Why Praise Can Be Harmful

The following is an article by ringette champion Lisa Brown. Lisa is a professional speaker, author and coach who helps people succeed using mental toughness. Checkout her website and sign up for email tips - www.lisabrown.ca

The main way I've seen parents try to boost their children's confidence is through praise.

Why Praise Can Be Harmful.

What's wrong with praising your child? Nothing. It's not praise that's the problem.

It's the way parents deliver praise that is the problem. Most parents praise their children based on what they, the parents, think of their child's actions. For example, they say, 'You are doing great,' 'You are a good girl,' 'You are smart,' or 'You are super-athletic.' When you praise your child in this way, you are using judgmental praise. It is based on YOUR judgment of your child's performance, behaviour, or personality.

When you give judgmental praise, you send the following messages:

1) I'm the person who decides whether you performed 'good' or 'bad' in this situation.
2) My approval is desirable.

These messages create dependency in your child. They do this by encouraging her to seek your decisions and approval. For example, your daughter asks you to read her English paper and you say, 'Honey, what a great paper! Carry on your good work.' Even though your judgment is positive, it encourages your child to rely on your thinking and approval.
What Kind of Praise Should You Use?

The best type of praise trains your child to become self-reliant and seek his/her OWN approval. This is what healthy self-esteem demands.* The opposite of judgmental praise is factual praise. Factual praise encourages your child to rely on his own judgment and approval. For example, after reading your daughter's paper, you comment on the specifics of the essay: 'When you described England in the early 1990s in such vivid detail,

I actually felt as though I was there. It was easy to get interested in the topic.' Beaming, your daughter decides, 'My paper was interesting to my Mom. I am a good writer.'
Why Factual Praise Builds Confidence Your Child

A key ingredient of confidence is the ability to trust our mind. Our mind is our basic tool for survival. When we believe we can mentally cope with the basic challenges of life, we feel good about ourselves. We may lack knowledge or skills in a subject, but we have faith in our mind that we can learn whatever we need to learn to be successful. Factual praise builds your child's confidence by helping her draw her own conclusions.

Here are some examples:

Judgmental praise: 'You played a great hockey game.'
Factual praise: 'I noticed how many times you skated to where the puck was going (as opposed to where it was).'

Your child now draws his own conclusion: 'I am a smart player!'

Judgmental praise: 'You're smart. Great job at school!'
Factual praise: 'Every day this week you came home and did your homework right away. This is difficult to do. But you did it.'

Your child decides, 'I am a hard-working student.'

Judgmental praise: 'You're really funny.'
Factual praise: 'Everybody laughed when you told your mouse story. You made the mouse sound just like a human being with real emotions and fears!'

Your child determines: 'I know how to entertain people.'

When you give your child factual praise, he relies on his own judgment. Your child becomes self-approving, and her self-esteem grows. You also give your child psychological visibility. She knows you see her brilliance, and she loves being 'seen' by you.

Factual praise is really easy to pull off. Just describe the facts of what your child accomplished.

Lisa Brown

*Nathaniel Branden. The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, 1994.